My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
You Might Also Like
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.