Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.