Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
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PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
girls literally only want one thing..
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know