I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
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[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
congratulations to them
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.