Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
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The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
The photographer’s assistant
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws