Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Mornin
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.