The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
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M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
who wants to go expliring
Pretty much! 😂👀
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees