When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
You Might Also Like
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said