If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
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My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…