A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
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[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
They got a point!
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting