[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
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A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.