put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
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9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Big Sex has us all fooled
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?