I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
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not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
More like Kate Missington.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
File under excellent bookstore names.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.