Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
You Might Also Like
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
called in thicc to work this morning
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat