Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
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Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep