I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
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Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.