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My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.