pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
How it started How it’s going
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
How to woo a woman
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information