Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
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Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.