Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
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Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Print is alive and well!!!
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.