Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
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Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early