Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
it was a valiant fight
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.