Eating wings is the opposite of flying
You Might Also Like
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
bad news gang
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Camping tip: No.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
No laws when master is gone
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.