I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
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People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*