If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
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Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose