Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
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A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog