as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
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[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.