I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
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Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.