I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?