WHY would you be happy about this?
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If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
he’s doing your taxes
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Breaking news:
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..