Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
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“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL