I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
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I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
😂😂
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time