plums roundup
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God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
thanksgiving should be called feaster
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.