I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
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Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.