I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
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If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
My Sentiments Exactly
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.