Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
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Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.