Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
You Might Also Like
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why