Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
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If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.