Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
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Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
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What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
🙁
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE