3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
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[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Never ghost your hitman.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…