[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
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This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
How your email finds me