Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
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I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period