My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
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When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”