Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I’m literally crying
another case of gang violins
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin