[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
You Might Also Like
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”