Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
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If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
lmfao
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something