Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
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My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”