Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
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imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.