* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
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[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Duolingo getting serious.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low