No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
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him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
this has done me in for some reason
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.